Season 2, Bonus Episode 11: Distraction Tactics

"Distraction Tactics"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober. This is an occasional bonus episode, for the first of September, 2026.

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Distraction Tactics

by Elizabeth Guilt

"Sculpins? My study. Now!"

Master Board swept past, his gown trailing a wake of angry sparks. Sculpins scuttled in behind him.

Words escaped past the slammed door.

"Disgraceful behaviour... Trusted... Expensive... Phoenix wings indeed..."

When the Master stormed out again, we were all bent closely over boxes of newts' eyes, or assiduously counting replacement wand-tips.

Sculpins, when he emerged, did not even look shamefaced.

"Phoenix wings?" hissed Turner. "You can't have hoped to get away with putting them on your order."

"Oh, no. Course not."

"So why..."

"He didn't notice the gold ceremonial blade. Got away with that, didn't I?"

---

This is a true story, as told by my Dad. Admittedly, he worked for an engineering firm not a wizards' suppliers. His colleague was told off for ordering a Land Rover from Stores - but it was enough of a distraction that his boss missed the large and expensive socket-set.

---

Correction: Dad reminds me that it was not, in fact, a socket-set (which would have at least been relevant to the job). It was an expensive and wholly-unjustified pair of binoculars.

Season 2, Bonus Episode 10: Missing Persons

"Missing Persons"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober. This is an occasional bonus episode, for the first of August, 2026.

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Missing Persons

by Elizabeth Guilt

A woman? Down there? You leave her be. Someone dies in the water, there's plenty of creatures there to strip away flesh so the bones tumble to the bottom.

A body drifting? arms trailing, hair swirling? that's bad news. You think the things with teeth weren't hungry today?

If it's not good enough for them, it's no good for us either.

Current'll take her away again.

Rare occasions a body washes up on the shore, you get down there with a can of petrol. Matches.

Someone might be looking for her? Not your concern.

Stay away from the floating dead.

Season 2, Bonus Episode 9: The Rules Are There For A Reason

"The Rules Are There For A Reason"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober. This is an occasional bonus episode, for the first of July, 2026.

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The Rules Are There For A Reason

by Elizabeth Guilt

There was a tearing noise and there I was again. Slap-bang in the middle of some little scrote's chalk circle.

It's always teenagers. They find an old book, think it'd be funny...

No-one expects it to work. They're so surprised; they muff the binding and I head home, trailing sulphurous clouds.

This guy was different. Older. He offered a deal:

Free reign across earth to (I quote) "show those weaklings who's in charge" - so long as I let him live to witness it.

I accepted, stepped through the circle, and tore his head off.

There's a reason you bind demons.

---

Remember everyone: it's always a bad idea to read the Latin out loud.

But if you must, at least make sure you do it properly.

Season 2, Bonus Episode 8: Generational

"Generational"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober. This is an occasional bonus episode, for the first of June, 2026.

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Generational

by Elizabeth Guilt

She looked at me, disappointed.

"Don't you want to?"

"Of course I do! But... I need permission."

"From who? You're an adult!"

"The Paterfamilias."

"Ha, the Paterf... wait, you're serious? You still have one?"

My great-great-grandfather wanted his dynasty to last forever. During that narrow window in the mid twenty-first century, when everyone thought they knew the future, he set up complicated deeds and entails. And he did it well. It's completely watertight - we still haven't found a legal route to unplugging the damned thing.

"So, yeah. If we want to get married, we've got to convince a century-old AI."

---

As I'm sure you'll have noticed, AI is currently the answer to everything. I do wonder which particular aspects future generations will look back on and groan at our stupidity.

Season 2, Bonus Episode 7: Anything From the Canteen Sheet?

"Anything From the Canteen Sheet?"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober. This is an occasional bonus episode, for the first of May, 2026.

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Anything From the Canteen Sheet?

by Elizabeth Guilt

He lunges when it slides under the door. The first week, still used to shops and restaurant menus, he sneered at the crooked page. He mocked his cellmate's eager interest - and got punched for it.

Now, he's the same. Any break in the grinding tedium is welcome. Anything. When something new appears on the list, he savours it. Plays with it in his mind. Orders it, even hair products he will never use. Anything for novelty.

This week, between instant noodles and A4 notebooks, is a new item: Final Apocalypse. He writes a 1 in the box.

Immediately, thunder rolls.

---

A while ago, I entered a drabble competition which had a theme of "Canteen". I sent this one, having discovered that the weekly order forms given to prisoners - in the UK at least - are called 'canteen sheets'. It wasn't placed, but you can read the winning drabbles here.

Season 2, Bonus Episode 6: Everywhere

"Everywhere"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober. This is an occasional bonus episode, for the first of April, 2026.

---

Everywhere

by Elizabeth Guilt

There was a bang and, too late, a screech of brakes.

"Shit! A deer, we hit a deer."

"What?"

"A deer! You saw that, right?"

Dave was five or six whiskeys down, his voice rising, panicking.

I'd seen blond hair, plastered by rain against a pale face.

For weeks afterwards, I trawled local news sites. No reports of a road death, or a missing woman.

I stopped drinking after that. Dave didn't. When his car ran off the road, I wasn't surprised.

I don't drive at night any more. Is she there? I don't know, but I see her.

Everywhere.

Season 2, Bonus Episode 5: Yanked

"Yanked"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober. This is an occasional bonus episode, for the first of March, 2026.

---

Yanked

by Elizabeth Guilt

Mason wakes up, a familiar pounding in his head. Not again. They'd only had six weeks this time. He looks wearily over the furnishings. 1800s. Probably Britain. He creeps through the house, finds clothes that mean he won't stand out, takes a couple of things to pawn, and heads out to look for Alex.

They've got systems, but without internet it's difficult. Alex hasn't left messages in any of the usual places. It takes months.

Finally, Mason finds a run-down boarding-house in Bognor.

"Alex!"

"What? Who're you?"

Mason slumps. "Oh. This is one of the times when you don't remember."

Season 2, Bonus Episode 4: Someone Needs Looking After

"Someone Needs Looking After"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober. This is an occasional bonus episode, for the first of February, 2026.

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Someone Needs Looking After

by Elizabeth Guilt

"Evelyn! Come in!"

Nan waves her visitor down the corridor, and keeps up her half of the conversation.

"I know! Awful out there... Yeah... That's February for you..."

Nan's delusions are getting worse. But no-one actually comes round now, and these imaginary visits keep her cheerful.

I head to the kitchen so I don't have to play along. She can't live alone now, but I'm happy looking after her. Except when she hallucinates doctors coming to examine me. I could do without that.

As 'Evelyn' 'departs', I hear Nan whisper.

"So sorry about my grandson. His delusions are getting worse."

Season 2, Bonus Episode 3: January You

"January You"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober. This is an occasional bonus episode, for the first of January, 2026.

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January You

by Elizabeth Guilt

Join the gym. Run every morning. Go vegan. Two yoga classes. Read fifty new novels this year. Drink less. Do dry January! Learn Spanish. Get up early. Journal. Marie Kondo the spare bedroom, the kitchen, the whole house. Maybe try paleo?

Maybe not paleo. Is vegan paleo even possible? Is vegan possible? What the hell do vegans put in sandwiches?

The gym is expensive. Running hurts your knees. The yoga is fun, though. You blow dry January on the seventeenth, laughing with Kim over cocktails, speaking in broken Spanish.

Marie Kondo was right. Keep the things that bring you joy.

---

Welcome to 2026! If you are making new year's resolutions, then remember to be kind to yourself. There's plenty of good stuff about the old you.

As a minor point of order, I checked with my reference vegan and she assures me there are plenty of sandwich fillings from the mundane (fake ham) to the grandiose (crispy-fried tofu with lettuce and tomato) via hummus, marmite, avocado…

Season 2, Bonus Episode 1: Last Resort

"Last Resort"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober. This is an occasional bonus episode, for the first of December, 2025.

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Last Resort

by Elizabeth Guilt

Hayley knows it's there. She's known for years, ever since that stupid night when they drank too much vodka, lit loads of candles and slurred Latin incantations. She felt it crawl into her.

Anthony insisted the salt circle would keep them safe - perhaps it did. They woke up, after all.

Sometimes, she feels it stir. When her mother suggests diets. When her boss talks over her.

She fights to keep it inside. She never drinks, now.

But in the darkness, the footsteps have been getting closer. There's a hand on her shoulder, another grabs her throat.

She lets it out.

Season 2, Episode 31: The Singing of Drowned Sailors

"The Singing of Drowned Sailors"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober Season 2. This is episode 31 for Friday the thirty-first of October, 2025.

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The Singing of Drowned Sailors

by Elizabeth Guilt

Me dad always told the stories. Strange calms in dark storms, and the hush that fell during the wildest winds. 

"You keep yer head down, lad, and pay them no mind. They'll lure you away, drag you under to join their songs."

I was half-drowned already when I heard them; frozen and clinging to the mast, not even caring if anyone heard me crying.

Their voices were gentle between the wind's screams. 

Heave her to. Turn her round.

We steered towards the familiar rhythm of the chorus.

And, drifting ragged grey over the waves, they sang us back to harbour.

---

Happy Hallowe'en. Today is the final day of Drabbletober 2025. If you'd like to keep up with the bonus episodes throughout the year, make sure you're subscribed to the podcast feed.

Thanks for listening, I hope you've enjoyed this year's series of tiny stories.

Season 2, Episode 30: Peace and Love. Mostly.

"Peace and Love. Mostly."

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober Season 2. This is episode 30 for Thursday the thirtieth of October, 2025.

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Peace and Love. Mostly.

by Elizabeth Guilt

Ancient? Haha, no, not at all! Built in the 60s. Yes, it is pretty convincing. Oh, just a vanity project - a local man  got really into ley lines and decided to find one on his own land. Oriented the circle using dowsing rods, would you believe. 

Sure you can stand on that. Made of stone, isn't it? Lie down if you want, I'll take the photo. 

Ooops, the flash makes it look like the stones are glowing. Haha, yeah the thunder is a bit of a coincidence.

Oh, yes. Actually that is a tentacle round your ankles.

Well, I never.

---

In North Yorkshire, not far from where I grew up, there is a lovely stone circle. It was built as a job-creation scheme in the eighteenth century, but it's a fun place to visit. I like stone circles, I think we should build more of them.

Season 2, Episode 29: It Was Supposed To Be a Joke

"It Was Supposed To Be a Joke"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober Season 2. This is episode 29 for Wednesday the twenty-ninth of October, 2025.

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It Was Supposed To Be a Joke

by Elizabeth Guilt

Typical slow Thursday, and a short man slunk up to the counter. 

"I'm here about the poster."

Great. Steven's latest hobby is designing ornate prank - obviously prank - flyers.

"Oh? Need a unicorn groomed, do you?"

"No. I want to part-exchange my kraken. Do you remove the old one when you deliver?"

"Seriously?"

"Mine's useless. Sluggish, pale, tentacles scarred to buggery."

"It's not..."

"Can't charge tourists a few grand to slay a beast that won't fight."

"Slay?"

"They all think they're Sir Galahad. None of 'em survived so far, but.."

"You killed..."

"I need a new kraken. What are your terms?"

---

Recently, I was walking through Sheffield with friends and we saw a shop-window advert offering money off what the internet calls "a very well-known brand of rectangular backpack". Someone misread it, and thus the part-exchange kraken was born.

Season 2, Episode 28: The Lady of the Floor

"The Lady of the Floor"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober Season 2. This is episode 28 for Tuesday the twenty-eighth of October, 2025.

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The Lady of the Floor

by Elizabeth Guilt

I opened the vacpack of mineral oil, and thumbed a smear across the floor.

"Lady."

Conversation stopped. My new teammates burst out laughing. 

"What?"

"You don't..."

"He still thinks..."

The foreman leaned over. "Look, kid. We're adults, building..." he gestured around the hangar, "space shuttles. We run the tightest shop floor in the western galaxy. We don't believe in fairies. We don't pour libations for imaginary gods."

I straightened up. "I've seen..."

"You've seen older apprentices playing tricks. Holoprojections. Cheap effects."

I fell to my knees, clapping hands over my ears. The Lady of the Floor would have no mercy.

Season 2, Episode 27: All Medical Staff Should Be Briefed In Local Legends

"All Medical Staff Should Be Briefed In Local Legends"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober Season 2. This is episode 27 for Monday the twenty-seventh of October, 2025.

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All Medical Staff Should Be Briefed In Local Legends

by Elizabeth Guilt

Helen had her coat on when the junior tapped on her door.

"Doctor? Sorry. The little girl... Her broken legs... They're..."

"They're what?"

"They're... Mending. In huge solid lumps."

"Where was she found?"

"Romsdal somewhere, her injuries..."

"Where exactly?"

"I don't know, maybe Trolldalen?"

Helen ran to the ward. 

"Stop treatment immediately!" 

She brushed aside colleagues, and held out a shaking hand. 

"I'll take you home."

The patient slid out of bed, knees making grinding noises as she limped.

Helen coaxed her into the car and, later, watched her swarm straight up the rocks, back to her father's stony court.

---

Trolldalen is a real place in Norway - it means "the troll valley". I visited this summer, and it's beautiful. As far as I'm aware, though, baby trolls being mistaken for human children there is just something I made up.

Season 2, Episode 26: Making a Myth

"Making a Myth"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober Season 2. This is episode 26 for Sunday the twenty-sixth of October, 2025.

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Making a Myth

by Elizabeth Guilt

Mara sits where she's told, and the engineer places the cap on her newly-shaved head. He tinkers briefly, and they all come swaying sinuously to life. The cap's sensors read tiny movements in Mara's scalp muscles, track signals from her optic nerve. When she looks left, so do the snakes. When she smiles, the snakes relax; when she frowns, they rear.

"Woah,' says the engineer. "That works really good! I'll take it off..."

"No.'

He reaches for the cap, and seventy snakes bare their fangs.

He knows they're not real. But Mara's snarl, haloed with furious snakes, freezes him rigid.

Season 2, Episode 25: Oooh, Look, Breadcrumbs!

"Oooh, Look, Breadcrumbs!"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober Season 2. This is episode 25 for Saturday the twenty-fifth of October, 2025.

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Oooh, Look, Breadcrumbs!

by Elizabeth Guilt

I was jamming my earbud back in when the world stopped.

His cloak was grey, mostly, with a greasy green-purple sheen. His boney face was pointed. In his hand, a sharp... Well, I didn't want to think about that. 

"You're lucky," he said, voice softly bubbling. 

"Lucky?" My bike lay crushed under a taxi, one wheel spinning gently.

"You're in my kingdom: the City of London. You can choose: oblivion, or a second, tiny life."

Some choice. "Doesn't everyone choose life?"

His head bobbed. The world span behind me, buildings loomed taller.

I strutted away to peck with my flock.

Season 2, Episode 24: Day's Orders

"Day's Orders"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober Season 2. This is episode 24 for Friday the twenty-fourth of October, 2025.

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Day’s Orders

by Elizabeth Guilt

"Sir!"

"What's that?"

"Sir, Duty Shitehawk reporting for orders, Sir!"

"More like it. Roost easy."

"Sir."

"Today's roster: harbour wall. Principal lookout, ten till three. Keep your eyes peeled, we've had reports of Morris dancers in the area. Our intel says there should be a line of them wearing dark colours around noon. Strafe at will. 

"Three till five, surprise chip inspections. Toddlers have been underrepped recently, so try to take your samples from them.

"Final hour, unnecessary screaming. All clear?"

"Clear as sand."

"Less of your beak! For that, two early shifts: jumping up and down on roof tiles."

---

My family invariably refers to seagulls as shitehawks.

You're not allowed to register boats with names that might be considered offensive, but when I was little there was a boat registered in Whitby harbour called Shy Talk. It's still one of my favourite boat names.

Season 2, Episode 23: Ice Cubs

"Ice Cubs"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober Season 2. This is episode 23 for Thursday the twenty-third of October, 2025.

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Ice Cubs

by Elizabeth Guilt

Ice cubs crawled from the bay this morning. It's been a decade - we used to see them most years.

We've set up the perimeter. People will ignore it. Ice cubs are not bears - but they're not not bears, either. They glitter, like diamonds. They're really cute.

Scientists are the worst, all "pushing boundaries" and "furthering knowledge". Last time, one approached the cubs. Things were brief and very, very red.

The ice cubs will leave in a week or so. My grandfather always said they climb into the mountains and become glaciers. 

Perhaps they do. We don't need to know everything.

Season 2, Episode 22: Same Old, Same Old

"Same Old, Same Old"

Elizabeth Guilt

Hello, and welcome to Drabbletober Season 2. This is episode 22 for Wednesday the twenty-second of October, 2025.

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Same Old, Same Old

by Elizabeth Guilt

Trudy wakes up on her birthday, and groans. Fifty! She makes her morning tea, and wonders how this happened. Fifty? She's never been to Venice. Never ridden a motorbike. Never eaten alfalfa sprouts.

What even is an alfalfa sprout? An hour later she is deep in articles about home sprouting, wondering whether she still has those old Mason jars and whether she would really need mesh lids. Some people recommended cotton instead...

Trudy slams her laptop shut. This. This is how it happened. She digs out the number she saved, months ago, and calls it. She books a motorbike lesson.

---

When, in the far future, schoolkids write essays about the decline of civilisation in the mid twenty-first century, I can't help feeling that our almost ubiquitous ability to waste time on the internet is going to be right up there in the "causes" section.

But for the record, I quite like alfalfa sprouts.